This is about getting into uniform vs. getting dressed at all. Celebrating a job well done vs. celebrating the ABC's. Listening to the Top 40 vs. listening to Pandora's Toddler Radio. Coming and going vs. diaper bags and strollers. Being appreciated for a job well done vs. a thankless job well done.
For the last two weeks (give or take) I got to be, as my dad so nicely put it, a professional. I suppose that is true. I did put on a uniform and report for duty day after day after day. I got to leave work every night with no responsibility except that I had to show up on time the next morning. That's not incredibly difficult. As much as I missed the little ones and as much as I missed John, I really enjoyed going to work. I enjoyed socialising and learning. It was mentally stimulating; something I have been missing for a couple years now.
I have always been the "career" type. I thrive off achievement and possibly even off over-achievement. I thrive off of perfect. Every. Thing. I. Do. Must. Be. PERECT. I have worked hard to get perfect grades. I got my degree in 4 years while working for Uncle Sam full time. I networked, I learned, I trained. I set myself up for perfect success. To what? Stay at home?
What an argument to make. John, on the other hand, would do anything for me to stay at home all day everyday doing a thankless job that isn't and can NEVER be perfect (which is actually kind of depressing for me since this is the ONLY thing I do day in and day out). Not that he doesn't support my goals, he does. Its just that he likes to have me home. Fair enough. I clean. I do laundry. I care for the kids. And if he's lucky, I'll cook. And if I'm lucky, he'll eat it!
How selfish is all of this? Or is it? I worked hard for a reason. And I honestly didn't work hard to stay at home and let my mind waste away. Sure, I could read lots and lots of books. But I don't even think I could do that! Who can read constantly interrupted with Toddler Radio and chattering or whining babies in the background? I am hoping that working (which I will most certainly consider "me time") will be a big help. Maybe it will bring me that satisfaction of achievement so that I am not so worried about whether the dishes are on the left or right side of the sink. I will have reached my personal achievement for the day and I will savour and cherish every minute with the family. instead of getting angry with everyone for undoing everything I have done for the day...that would be ideal.
I am essentially just confused about what I want to do. And, hopefully, when we get to Hawaii, I will be able to figure it out. If I can work the same hours as John I won't be taking away time from him. The girls would be in CDC which, from my tour, is a pretty structured environment. We'd have a little more saving money. And I would get the satisfaction of achieving SOMETHING on a daily basis. Learning SOMETHING on a daily basis. Getting out of the house...etc...all the benefits. So, when we get where we're going, I will give it a shot. And maybe I will fail miserably. And if its too difficult to be without babies 24/7, I will stop working. It really is as simple as that.
I have lived my life as a problem solver. Always making sure that if one door closes I have about 80 more that I can go through. I have tried to balance everything so that I have to make minimal sacrifices and still have it all...that is what I intend on doing...however I do it.
I am a mother. I am a wife...but I am still ME. And its time for me to recognize this and do something about it.
Thought this might happen. A lovely little family that needs you, and strong spirit yearning to grow. What to do? Key word = balance. Something you're good at. And now you're moving to the land of opportunity. So as the song says, "don't worry, be happy". And be patient. Everything's going to be fine. :-)
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