What to expect as a military wife...Things I have learned.
I started out this journey 2 years ago thinking, "Well, this shouldn't be too hard! I AM in the military, so I understand what his obligations are." I realized how wrong I was. I realized that I signed up for something much MUCH bigger than I ever could have imagined...
1. Where will we live?
The question that all military wives will ask themselves every three years (give or take). Where are we going to live? Are we going to live on base? Are we going to rent? Are we going to buy (DON'T DO IT)? What neighborhood should we live in? What will we do for childcare. Will I be able to find a job in MY career field?
As a military wife, I am learning that this is NO planning for myself. At least no long term. No, I can't have a career. No, I can't open a business. At least not one with a store front. No, you won't ever find a promotable job because you will have to leave any job you find within 3 years. Well, what the HELL am I supposed to do, then?
Will we have a washer and dryer? A refrigerator? If we take ours, will they fit? Will the girls have to share a room? How much of our stuff are we going to have to sell? Will our neighbors be loud? Will they be obnoxious? Will they have unruly children? Is our house going to be adjoined? Will we have to listen to you-know-what every night through the bedroom walls?
The answer seems to always end up with--SUCK IT UP. Stay at home. Raise the kids. Clean house. Do laundry. Clean the kitchen. Un pack. Re arrange. Make dinner. Make breakfast. Make lunch. Watch every freaking TV show there is to watch. Find busy work and hobbies just for the hell of it. KEEP BUSY. STAY STRONG. BE YOUR OWN. BE INDEPENDENT.
2. Be Independent
Now, when someone figures this out, let me know. Shocking, eh? Liz? Dependant? Never...True story folks. I have always been my own. Independent little fire cracker. I did whatever I wanted without any fear of failure. After all, why would I fail? I was capable of anything! Now? ...I lose it simply when he forgets to tell me that he won't be home for dinner or when he is "too busy" too call me or text me throughout his day. Seriously? Am I really THAT girl, now? How sad is this? There used to be a day when I could care less. I had my own things going on and whatever "he" was doing was so inconsequential. But, not anymore.
Sometimes I feel guilty and THIS is why--I find myself WISHING he would just go away. Be HERE. Or be GONE. Don't be in the middle. Don't be wishy-washy. Don't "sometimes come home" and "sometimes show up for dinner" and "sometimes have to go in on the weekend" and "sometimes come home, sleep, and go back that same night". DONT BE IN THE MIDDLE. Don't be unpredictable. Be here. Or GO THE HELL AWAY. It is much easier when I KNOW he isn't going to come home for awhile. When I am SURE that I am on my own. When I know that I am going to be on my own and alone. I can get over it then. Because THEN I have no choice. It is what it is. The Army took him and I am on my own....I can deal with that. I can cope with that. I can adjust. And I am good at it. But this unpredictable in the middle BULLSH*T....I can't do.
3. Don't assume that you come first
Because, lets be honest. You don't. Not that he doesn't WANT to put you first. Its just that he CAN'T. The military (army, in my case), doesn't allow for that to happen. There are rules. Regulations. Lawful Orders. You can't escape them, and they aren't as lenient as regular civilian fair and ethical working laws. These rules and regulations allow for a MUCH more demanding work life than any civilian job I have ever seen. I will tell you now, he doesn't get paid NEARLY enough for the amount of work that he puts in. And its not just him, its most of these poor guys that never see their families, that bring their work home with them, that deploy overseas.
4. You married a married man
Sorry. You did. I did. We all did. We married a man who is first and foremost dedicated to the military (army).
And that is just the way it is.
You'd think I'd better understand the demands seeing as how I serve as a reservist and have served on active duty....But, I don't. And my heart goes out to all the women who are unfamiliar with the military and have to figure it out from square one. You are strong women. And my hat goes off to the women who have mastered the craft of being a military wife...
...I beg you to tell me your secret...
Reminds me so much of our Mother. I never saw or heard her frustration, but it must have been there. I was just thinking, how do you cross a busy street to board a bus with 4 children under the age of 7, and have two or more suitcases in tow?
ReplyDeleteAlways the last to leave. The one to clean out the apartment, because Dad has been sent on ahead. The one to pack for the four children and make their food and reassure them they will see their Daddy in 6 months. Then she arrives finally to an apartment with stacks of boxes and furniture that is not her own. Bed's that others have slept in. Stains in the sink.
Some of the pictures I see of her show circles under her eyes, but always a smile on her lips. The girls in homemade dresses with tucks or pleats, or plaids that match all the way around. While the children were in Base schools in a foreign country, she took Japanese, she took a Nurse Aide course, in her early 30's she decided to take driver education and get a license to drive.
In each place, she makes a few friends... and says goodbye. I wonder how she did all that for 20 years. Military wife. Mother. God's Woman.