Being Married to a Married Man

Ugh...this is a little venting I think, so it isn't as tactful or sympathetic as it probably should be.. But, its true, regardless...

What to expect as a military wife...Things I have learned.

I started out this journey 2 years ago thinking, "Well, this shouldn't be too hard! I AM in the military, so I understand what his obligations are." I realized how wrong I was. I realized that I signed up for something much MUCH bigger than I ever could have imagined...

1. Where will we live?
The question that all military wives will ask themselves every three years (give or take). Where are we going to live? Are we going to live on base? Are we going to rent? Are we going to buy (DON'T DO IT)? What neighborhood should we live in? What will we do for childcare. Will I be able to find a job in MY career field?

As a military wife, I am learning that this is NO planning for myself. At least no long term. No, I can't have a career. No, I can't open a business. At least not one with a store front. No, you won't ever find a promotable job because you will have to leave any job you find within 3 years. Well, what the HELL am I supposed to do, then?

Will we have a washer and dryer? A refrigerator? If we take ours, will they fit? Will the girls have to share a room? How much of our stuff are we going to have to sell? Will our neighbors be loud? Will they be obnoxious? Will they have unruly children? Is our house going to be adjoined? Will we have to listen to you-know-what every night through the bedroom walls?

The answer seems to always end up with--SUCK IT UP. Stay at home. Raise the kids. Clean house. Do laundry. Clean the kitchen. Un pack. Re arrange. Make dinner. Make breakfast. Make lunch. Watch every freaking TV show there is to watch. Find busy work and hobbies just for the hell of it. KEEP BUSY. STAY STRONG. BE YOUR OWN. BE INDEPENDENT.

2. Be Independent
Now, when someone figures this out, let me know. Shocking, eh? Liz? Dependant? Never...True story folks. I have always been my own. Independent little fire cracker. I did whatever I wanted without any fear of failure. After all, why would I fail? I was capable of anything! Now? ...I lose it simply when he forgets to tell me that he won't be home for dinner or when he is "too busy" too call me or text me throughout his day. Seriously? Am I really THAT girl, now? How sad is this? There used to be a day when I could care less. I had my own things going on and whatever "he" was doing was so inconsequential. But, not anymore.

Sometimes I feel guilty and THIS is why--I find myself WISHING he would just go away. Be HERE. Or be GONE. Don't be in the middle. Don't be wishy-washy. Don't "sometimes come home" and "sometimes show up for dinner" and "sometimes have to go in on the weekend" and "sometimes come home, sleep, and go back that same night". DONT BE IN THE MIDDLE. Don't be unpredictable. Be here. Or GO THE HELL AWAY. It is much easier when I KNOW he isn't going to come home for awhile. When I am SURE that I am on my own. When I know that I am going to be on my own and alone. I can get over it then. Because THEN I have no choice. It is what it is. The Army took him and I am on my own....I can deal with that. I can cope with that. I can adjust. And I am good at it. But this unpredictable in the middle BULLSH*T....I can't do.

3. Don't assume that you come first
Because, lets be honest. You don't. Not that he doesn't WANT to put you first. Its just that he CAN'T. The military (army, in my case), doesn't allow for that to happen. There are rules. Regulations. Lawful Orders. You can't escape them, and they aren't as lenient as regular civilian fair and ethical working laws. These rules and regulations allow for a MUCH more demanding work life than any civilian job I have ever seen. I will tell you now, he doesn't get paid NEARLY enough for the amount of work that he puts in. And its not just him, its most of these poor guys that never see their families, that bring their work home with them, that deploy overseas.

4. You married a married man
Sorry. You did. I did. We all did. We married a man who is first and foremost dedicated to the military (army).

And that is just the way it is.

You'd think I'd better understand the demands seeing as how I serve as a reservist and have served on active duty....But, I don't. And my heart goes out to all the women who are unfamiliar with the military and have to figure it out from square one. You are strong women. And my hat goes off to the women who have mastered the craft of being a military wife...

...I beg you to tell me your secret...

Gratitude

Well I am not sure who to thank first? My Mother (it is her birthday today!) for being the best, EVER! My Husband (pampered me today to an ALL DAY Spa Day as an anniversary gift) for being the best, EVER! Or Candice (who watched the girls ALL DAY today so I could go be selfish and get pampered) for being the best, EVER!

Lets start with the woman who brought me into being. Because, of course, she is to thank for pretty much everything in my life!

Dear Mom,
I just want you to know, on this very special day, that you are my angel. You are my hero. You are everything I hope to be as a mother. You are a strong woman. You support your husband with a humble yet sturdy heart. Your love for your children is unwavering, no matter what dumb things we may have done to break your heart. You not only raised me..you LOVED me. And you showed me what love really meant. What it meant to be good person. What is meant to make good decisions. And you were there to let me know what it meant when I made bad decisions, too. Being a new mother, I can only imagine how hard those moments must have been for you. But you did it anyway, and without hesitation. You are the kind of women I hope to one day be. And I hope with all my being that my little girls will look up to me the way I look up to you.
Love,
Your (one and only) Daughter

My Loving Husband,
You never stop surprising me. No matter how far away you are, you always seem to know what I need and when I need it. Even if it is against my will sometimes. I want to thank you for being so patient with me over the past two years of marriage (plus a few months before it). You have been so graciously loving and caring, even though I know I didn't always make it easy for you. I want to thank you for reminding me that I am not ONLY a mother but that I am a women. A women that deserves to be taken care of. A women that deserves to feel pretty...to BE pretty. You are an amazing AMAZING man...And I love you very much. I cannot wait to see what life throws at us next (because...who are we kidding, things are THROWN with aggression, not handed over nicely)
Much Love,
Your Wife!

My Dear Friend Candice,
What can I say? I didn't think I would be able to make friends here. At least not one like you! I am so glad you happened to be my neighbour! And that you happened to have a little princess, too! There is something very special about making a real friend. As we both know, those don't come around very often. You have been ever so willing to help out when we are in need (which seems to happen often), even when you probably don't actually want to. Thank you for being so gracious and loving as a friend. Thank you for your words of encouragement as well as your words of honesty. I know I can count on a true opinion even if I am not going to like the answer...I am going to miss you and your little one! But, hey, who DOESN'T want to vacation in Hawaii!?
Love,
Your Pesky Neighbour.

These arrived at the spa during my lunch!