Being Married to a Married Man

Ugh...this is a little venting I think, so it isn't as tactful or sympathetic as it probably should be.. But, its true, regardless...

What to expect as a military wife...Things I have learned.

I started out this journey 2 years ago thinking, "Well, this shouldn't be too hard! I AM in the military, so I understand what his obligations are." I realized how wrong I was. I realized that I signed up for something much MUCH bigger than I ever could have imagined...

1. Where will we live?
The question that all military wives will ask themselves every three years (give or take). Where are we going to live? Are we going to live on base? Are we going to rent? Are we going to buy (DON'T DO IT)? What neighborhood should we live in? What will we do for childcare. Will I be able to find a job in MY career field?

As a military wife, I am learning that this is NO planning for myself. At least no long term. No, I can't have a career. No, I can't open a business. At least not one with a store front. No, you won't ever find a promotable job because you will have to leave any job you find within 3 years. Well, what the HELL am I supposed to do, then?

Will we have a washer and dryer? A refrigerator? If we take ours, will they fit? Will the girls have to share a room? How much of our stuff are we going to have to sell? Will our neighbors be loud? Will they be obnoxious? Will they have unruly children? Is our house going to be adjoined? Will we have to listen to you-know-what every night through the bedroom walls?

The answer seems to always end up with--SUCK IT UP. Stay at home. Raise the kids. Clean house. Do laundry. Clean the kitchen. Un pack. Re arrange. Make dinner. Make breakfast. Make lunch. Watch every freaking TV show there is to watch. Find busy work and hobbies just for the hell of it. KEEP BUSY. STAY STRONG. BE YOUR OWN. BE INDEPENDENT.

2. Be Independent
Now, when someone figures this out, let me know. Shocking, eh? Liz? Dependant? Never...True story folks. I have always been my own. Independent little fire cracker. I did whatever I wanted without any fear of failure. After all, why would I fail? I was capable of anything! Now? ...I lose it simply when he forgets to tell me that he won't be home for dinner or when he is "too busy" too call me or text me throughout his day. Seriously? Am I really THAT girl, now? How sad is this? There used to be a day when I could care less. I had my own things going on and whatever "he" was doing was so inconsequential. But, not anymore.

Sometimes I feel guilty and THIS is why--I find myself WISHING he would just go away. Be HERE. Or be GONE. Don't be in the middle. Don't be wishy-washy. Don't "sometimes come home" and "sometimes show up for dinner" and "sometimes have to go in on the weekend" and "sometimes come home, sleep, and go back that same night". DONT BE IN THE MIDDLE. Don't be unpredictable. Be here. Or GO THE HELL AWAY. It is much easier when I KNOW he isn't going to come home for awhile. When I am SURE that I am on my own. When I know that I am going to be on my own and alone. I can get over it then. Because THEN I have no choice. It is what it is. The Army took him and I am on my own....I can deal with that. I can cope with that. I can adjust. And I am good at it. But this unpredictable in the middle BULLSH*T....I can't do.

3. Don't assume that you come first
Because, lets be honest. You don't. Not that he doesn't WANT to put you first. Its just that he CAN'T. The military (army, in my case), doesn't allow for that to happen. There are rules. Regulations. Lawful Orders. You can't escape them, and they aren't as lenient as regular civilian fair and ethical working laws. These rules and regulations allow for a MUCH more demanding work life than any civilian job I have ever seen. I will tell you now, he doesn't get paid NEARLY enough for the amount of work that he puts in. And its not just him, its most of these poor guys that never see their families, that bring their work home with them, that deploy overseas.

4. You married a married man
Sorry. You did. I did. We all did. We married a man who is first and foremost dedicated to the military (army).

And that is just the way it is.

You'd think I'd better understand the demands seeing as how I serve as a reservist and have served on active duty....But, I don't. And my heart goes out to all the women who are unfamiliar with the military and have to figure it out from square one. You are strong women. And my hat goes off to the women who have mastered the craft of being a military wife...

...I beg you to tell me your secret...

My TravelBlog

As requested, this will not be a post about my recent trip to Hawaii. It will not be about meeting the Turtle Guardian's up on the North Shore. It won't be about how it is actually not possible to drive all the way around the island. It will not be about the Stairway to Heaven (Haiku Stairs) or the Sugar Mill ruins or the Boys Convalescent Home. It will not be about binge drinking or laying on the beach. It will not be about how amusing "Beetroot" sounds in the Queen's English.

This is about getting into uniform vs. getting dressed at all. Celebrating a job well done vs. celebrating the ABC's. Listening to the Top 40 vs. listening to Pandora's Toddler Radio. Coming and going vs. diaper bags and strollers. Being appreciated for a job well done vs. a thankless job well done.

For the last two weeks (give or take) I got to be, as my dad so nicely put it, a professional. I suppose that is true. I did put on a uniform and report for duty day after day after day. I got to leave work every night with no responsibility except that I had to show up on time the next morning. That's not incredibly difficult. As much as I missed the little ones and as much as I missed John, I really enjoyed going to work. I enjoyed socialising and learning. It was mentally stimulating; something I have been missing for a couple years now.

I have always been the "career" type. I thrive off achievement and possibly even off over-achievement. I thrive off of perfect. Every. Thing. I. Do. Must. Be. PERECT. I have worked hard to get perfect grades. I got my degree in 4 years while working for Uncle Sam full time. I networked, I learned, I trained. I set myself up for perfect success. To what? Stay at home?

What an argument to make. John, on the other hand, would do anything for me to stay at home all day everyday doing a thankless job that isn't and can NEVER be perfect (which is actually kind of depressing for me since this is the ONLY thing I do day in and day out). Not that he doesn't support my goals, he does. Its just that he likes to have me home. Fair enough. I clean. I do laundry. I care for the kids. And if he's lucky, I'll cook. And if I'm lucky, he'll eat it!

How selfish is all of this? Or is it? I worked hard for a reason. And I honestly didn't work hard to stay at home and let my mind waste away. Sure, I could read lots and lots of books. But I don't even think I could do that! Who can read constantly interrupted with Toddler Radio and chattering or whining babies in the background? I am hoping that working (which I will most certainly consider "me time") will be a big help. Maybe it will bring me that satisfaction of achievement so that I am not so worried about whether the dishes are on the left or right side of the sink. I will have reached my personal achievement for the day and I will savour and cherish every minute with the family. instead of getting angry with everyone for undoing everything I have done for the day...that would be ideal.

I am essentially just confused about what I want to do. And, hopefully, when we get to Hawaii, I will be able to figure it out. If I can work the same hours as John I won't be taking away time from him. The girls would be in CDC which, from my tour, is a pretty structured environment. We'd have a little more saving money. And I would get the satisfaction of achieving SOMETHING on a daily basis. Learning SOMETHING on a daily basis. Getting out of the house...etc...all the benefits. So, when we get where we're going, I will give it a shot. And maybe I will fail miserably. And if its too difficult to be without babies 24/7, I will stop working. It really is as simple as that.

I have lived my life as a problem solver. Always making sure that if one door closes I have about 80 more that I can go through. I have tried to balance everything so that I have to make minimal sacrifices and still have it all...that is what I intend on doing...however I do it.

I am a mother. I am a wife...but I am still ME. And its time for me to recognize this and do something about it.